between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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