my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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