I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
