Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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