May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
