I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
