My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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