You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you didnt know i had herpes?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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