I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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