Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
