No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
