She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
