she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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