i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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