YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
