How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
