Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
