I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
