I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
