i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
