we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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