You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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