I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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