The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
