So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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