Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
