I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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