My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
