At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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