It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
