Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
