I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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