"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize