I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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