I want to stick my p in your. b.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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