I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
