If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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