i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
