we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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