i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
this hospital has no fireball
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
