I wish they made helmets for livers.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
