420 ftw
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
