Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
