my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
