I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
