My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
