I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
