Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize