tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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