Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
