kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
