I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
