I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
