the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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