i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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