Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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