I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Vodka?
Forever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
