So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
