I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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