I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
