dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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