I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
