I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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