I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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