I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
