Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
