By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
