I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize